Lori Davies
Perfect Order

As a Senior Move Manager and Organizer I often end up as an intervening party brought in to help dissolve tension between family members. One of the most common issues revolves around downsizing the contents of a house. Whether it’s the family china or fishing lures, someone ends up in an argument over what to keep and what to let go of. Adding a short time line into the mix is just adding fuel to the fire. It can make people feel anxious and threatened and cause long standing resentment. As a non-partial pseudo-counselor I always try to let both parties speak their minds so that everyone involved can truly grasp what the real issue it. It generally is not the item over which the argument began, but rather much more deep seated issues that can range back several years. The item just seems to be the safe place to air the transgressions.

To speed up the downsizing process, it is extremely helpful to understand what could be a road block and figure out how to turn it into a speed bump before the process begins. Here are some common thoughts and feelings to keep in mind when downsizing.

The Older Adult perspective:

• Giving up our home feels like losing a loved one. Without a spouse or children around, the house is all I have left to make me feel needed.
• Moving out of the family house is the beginning of the end and that is very scary.
• My items are my memories. Without them I have nothing left.
• I don’t want to burden anyone with all of my stuff.
• My family doesn’t want any of my things. They just don’t realize what they mean to me so I don’t want to see them get thrown away.
• I saved my entire life to be able to buy some of these things.
• It’s too painful looking through these items. They remind me of what my life use to be.
• I’m just overwhelmed and don’t know how or where to begin.
• I don’t want someone throwing out my life.
• I don’t want to upset my kids by letting go of their things or moving from the family home.
• My spouse gets so upset when I try to clear out some items.
• Change is frightening. What if I’m making a bad decision. I can’t come back to my home.
• I don’t want my privacy invaded.
• I can’t stand the thought of strangers with all of my belongings.

The families perspective:

• I don’t want to be stuck going through all of this by myself.
• I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings by not keeping all these items. I have my own items to deal with.
• If my parents move, then there is nothing left of my childhood memories.
• I don’t have any space for all of these items but don’t want to get rid of them.
• I worry that my parents will get hurt if they don’t get rid of some clutter.
• I have my family to look after and can no longer keep up with both households.
• I would love to hear the stories behind some of these items.
• I want to help my parents but they just get mad at me when I try to help.
• Getting rid of my parent’s items means that they are getting old and that is scary.
• There are some items that I want but so does everyone else. I don’t want to cause problems.

Sometimes walking in someone else’s shoes can let you see how much easier it is to solve the downsizing dilemmas. Sometimes the emotions are just too high so working at a slow, deliberate pace can help. If that isn’t possible then consider bringing in a professional to help soothe the way. Downsizing can be a happy beginning to a new life phase if handled with respect and courtesy.